"You hang the clothes wrong.
You move too slow.
You stack the dishwasher wrong.
You drive wrong.
You sleep wrong.
You eat wrong.
You work wrong.
You are wrong."
Nitpicking happens in the moment.
Without thought.
Without impact assessment.
Without malice.
But it still hurts when it lands.
It hurts him.
It drops his performance.
It makes him sad.
He makes me angry.
He occurs like a child to me.
So I keep nitpicking.
Nothing he does is right.
Everything is wrong.
The more I correct him, the smaller he becomes.
The smaller he becomes, the more compliant he gets.
His compliance confirms how weak he is.
So I keep correcting him.
And he keeps shrinking.
That’s the trap.
When I make him wrong, I shrink him in my mind.
He loses confidence.
He shrinks for real.
So I keep correcting him,
thinking I’m helping him rise.
not seeing that I’m putting him down.
When he becomes small,
I withdraw my body.
Because I can’t make love to a child.
Women nitpick when they don’t feel safe.
When they miss structure.
When energy drifts sideways.
You don’t know you’re nitpicking.
You think you’re being honest.
You think you’re being helpful, being real.
You think you’re making him a better man.
But the only thing that’s real,
is that your nervous system is discharging sideways.
He tries to fix it.
He plans.
He improves.
He behaves.
It only makes it worse.
He becomes what I decided.
And the only one who can un-decide who he is,
is me.
If you’re waiting for him to step up,
he probably already has,
like all men do.
You just missed it.